[Here's a version adapted to focus on platonic relationships: Adapted by AI Assistant]
original by Sheri Stritof @ verywellmind; 7–9 minutes
Putting yourself in the role of "parent" and your friend in the role of "child" is demeaning and can be counterproductive. Your friend might come to resent you for taking on a controlling role in your friendship. This can cause serious damage to your relationship.
At a Glance
Treating your friend like a child can involve doing things that your friend can do themself, shielding them from the consequences of their actions, and attending to their every need. It can seriously hurt your friendship, and may make your friend feel helpless, bitter, or resentful. Instead oftreating them like a child, it's important to show acceptance and respect as you treat your friend like an equal.
Signs You're Treating Your Friend Like a Child
There are some behaviors that are appropriate in interactions with children, but not with your friends. You might not realize that you are even doing these things, let alone how they might feel to your friend.
Some behaviors are more obvious than others, but they all show a lack of respect for your friend as an adult and for your equality in the relationship.
- Constantly reminding them of appointments or deadlines
- Being overprotective
- Believing one of your roles is to correct your friend's behavior
- Keeping track of your friend's belongings
- Making decisions for your friend without consulting them
- Often catering to your friend's every need
- Picking up after your friend
- Using a condescending tone when speaking to them
Effects of Treating Someone Like a Child
These behaviors can have a serious impact on a person's well-being and self-esteem. Research has shown that infantilizing people hurts their self-confidence and self-image. Treating someone like a child can cause self-doubt, an inability to make decisions, identify problems, and problems with commitment.
Why People Treat Their Friends Like Children
There are a number of reasons why a person might treat their friend like a child:
- It might be a behavior they observed in their own home growing up
- Their own parents or friends have infantilized them
- They might be insecure and need to be needed
- They might need to control the other person
- They might have a mental health issue
- There are poor boundaries and a lack of communication in the friendship
- The other person behaves immaturely or avoids responsibilities
It doesn't make any difference if your friend forgets appointments, has different tastes, or is disorganized. If you parent your friend, you are actually showing them a lack of acceptance and a lack of respect.
How to Stop Parenting Your Friend
Showing concern and caring for your friend is normal and expected in a healthy friendship. The point where you cross the line into a parenting role is where the nurturing ends and parenting begins.
Once you have identified the parenting behaviors you are displaying, there are some steps you can take to correct them:
- Accept that your friend does not like being treated like a kid
- Be mindful of your actions and stop treating your friend as a child
- Don't correct or criticize how your friend does things
- Have a talk with your friend about any issues that arise
- Let your friend make mistakes and face the consequences of their actions
- Refrain from using a "parental" tone with your friend
What to Do If Your Friend Treats You Like a Child
If your friend is the one treating you like a child, there are a number of steps you can take to address the problem:
Have a Conversation: Discuss the problem with your friend. Share your concerns, and use "I feel" statements to explain how their behavior affects you.
Set Boundaries: Talk about the type of boundaries you have in your friendship. Explain what you find acceptable and what should happen if those boundaries are violated.
Consider Your Options: If your friend treats you like a child and also engages in other controlling behaviors, it's important to evaluate the situation and determine your next steps.
Takeaway
If you become aware of your parenting behavior but still can't stop, there might be dysfunction in your friendship that could benefit from professional help. Talking to a therapist or counselor can help you recognize the problem and address the negative impact it is having on your relationship.
Remember, healthy friendships are built on mutual respect, trust, and equality. Treating each other as capable adults is crucial for maintaining strong, lasting friendships.