The term ‘comfort food’ is something most people have heard of. It is generally a food that provides a feeling of well-being, and is usually referring to the specific type of food. Some people may have also heard of (or have experience with) the term ‘safe food’, which is kind of like a comfort food, but more of an obsessive choice made over and over for an extended period of time, for no real reason other than it feels “safe“ to eat. Reasons for having ‘safe foods’ can be anything from autism to having experienced trauma, and let me tell you trauma caused me to have them in a way that I find hard to even fathom now.
Stuck in survival mode for most of my life, with a sprinkle of severe PTSD within the last three years, there was a period of time where the only thing I would/could eat was six pierogis. Some days once, some days twice, but for some reason, I always chose six slimey pierogis as my ‘safe food’. On my more adventurous days, I’d eat frozen microwaved dinners, but again, always the same kind; either a poutine, a cannaloni, or a 6 cheese tortellini. Even before all the trauma really effected me, I was never an adventurous eater, usually sticking with chicken fingers or cheese pizza. But in January of this year, while making the choice to really face myself and the changes I was trying to make, I decided to try a Mediterranean Pizza. Rather than my typical choice of just cheese, this pizza had peppers and broccoli and feta cheese, and the most shocking of all to me because I’d never even tried them before then - olives . And I loved it.
Learning I loved Mediterranean Pizza was honestly life changing for me, because there were so many learning moments in it for me. For one, it showed me how much we don’t even control our body’s natural reaction to things if we aren’t paying attention. Even after I knew I loved the pizza, making myself eat it again for my next meal was a challenge to say the least. I was in a small town in an Airbnb I had rented for the month, and these were the exact kinds of lessons I’d hoped to learn there. I would never have been able to imagine how important such small moments would become. The Airbnb didn’t have a microwave, and as I stated above, I really still was only used to microwave stuff. The town was so small that pizza was literally the ONLY deliver option, and I hadn’t yet gotten comfortable enough to go get more groceries, so I knew that pizza was all I had for then. In my mind I knew I’d loved that pizza no more than 6 hours previously, but my whole body tensed up to show it disagreed. It’s like it saw the broccoli on top and had the same reaction to a dog getting to the vet after thinking they were going to the park - “Ohhh no. I thought you said we were having PIZZA! Not THIS crap! You liked, I’m not eating it!”. I had to tell myself “self, (yes, really) remember that you know you like this. You actually LOVED it. You said this was your new favourite pizza! That wasn’t a trick. Just try it, and if you don’t like it, take off the toppings and its good enough. You’ve eaten worse.” I had a mini-panic attack not wanting to eat the pizza I had already confirmed to myself I liked...
I managed to take a bite, but even while chewing it, its like I was resisting tasting it, or resisting liking it at the very least. My whole body felt like it was flinching or something, but I just kept chewing. It only took a few more bites for me to realize I really did love it, and I didn’t have to make such a big deal about it. Because I’d ordered such a huge pizza, I had enough for two meals the next day also, and loved it each time, never experiencing the physical resistance again.
Why was this so important? Well, it’s hard to explain how afraid I’ve been of most things my entire life. I’ve lived most of my life paralyzed by irrational fears and anxieties, mostly about things I’d never even experienced before. There was a period of my life in which I was afraid to even walk from the front door to my car. (Social anxiety is an understatement.) So when I wanted to go for a walk in the small town I was staying in, but felt immense paralyzing fear, I thought: “Remember the Mediterranean Pizza”. And for the next few weeks after that, that was my mantra any time I felt nervous to do something I knew I’d enjoy or get some sort of benefit from. It helped every single time, and now not only have I faced more fears, I’m no longer afraid to try ANY food, which has been life changing.
I suggest everyone reading thing go do something (or eat something) you know you’d like but have always been afraid to try. The relationship you’ll develop with yourself is something you need to feel to understand. Sometimes it just takes one baby step to change your whole life.