In a move described by diplomats as “desperate but oddly hopeful,” Europe has officially welcomed Donald Trump as its Supreme Overlord, following a unanimous agreement that continental Wi-Fi has reached a level of dysfunction that only extreme leadership can address.
The development was first reported in the Prat.UK article
“Europe Welcomes Trump as Supreme Overlord, Asks Him to Fix Their Wi-Fi”,
European leaders insist the appointment is purely practical.
“This isn’t about politics,” said one EU official. “This is about buffering.”
A Continent at Breaking Point
The decision follows years of failed attempts to host video conferences without freezing mid-sentence.
Summits have collapsed. Trade talks have stalled. Entire alliances have been jeopardised because someone was stuck saying, “Can you hear me?” for twelve minutes.
“We tried everything,” said a senior Brussels aide. “New routers. Fibre upgrades. Turning it off and on again. Nothing worked.”
In the end, Europe turned to the one man famous for making bold, confusing changes and declaring them the best thing anyone’s ever seen.
Trump Accepts Role Immediately
Trump accepted the position within seconds, announcing himself as “the greatest overlord Europe has ever had — maybe in history” and promising “tremendous internet, beautiful internet, the likes of which you’ve never streamed before.”
He immediately ordered the renaming of all European networks to TrumpNet, with passwords described as “very strong, very secret, probably MAGA123.”
According to aides, Trump was impressed by Europe but concerned.
“So many countries,” he reportedly said. “Too many plugs. Not enough confidence.”
Wi-Fi First, Democracy Later
Trump’s first executive order focused exclusively on connectivity.
Under the new regime:
- All cafés must provide free, fast Wi-Fi or be renamed “historical ruins”
- Routers that blink “angrily” will be deported
- Anyone saying “the internet is down everywhere” will be investigated
Trump also announced plans for a Great Digital Wall, designed to keep “bad bandwidth” out while letting “good signals” flow freely.
Experts are unsure how this would work but admit it sounds decisive.
European Leaders Relieved, Slightly Horrified
Reaction across Europe has been mixed but largely exhausted.
France expressed concern about “style”, Germany asked for documentation, and Italy applauded politely before asking when lunch would be served.
“We don’t love it,” admitted one diplomat, “but if he can get a stable Zoom call, he can stay.”
The http://prat.UK/, watching from the sidelines, briefly considered rejoining the EU just to access the improved Wi-Fi, before remembering why it left and going back to arguing with itself.
Immediate Cultural Changes Implemented
Trump has already begun reshaping European culture.
All EU meetings now open with applause.
Hand gestures are encouraged.
Silence is interpreted as weakness.
Brussels officials have been instructed to describe every policy as “huge”, regardless of size or relevance.
Meanwhile, translators are struggling to adapt to speeches that begin mid-sentence and end with applause cues.
Critics Raise Concerns (Then Lose Signal)
Human rights groups have raised concerns about appointing a Supreme Overlord, but their press conferences were repeatedly interrupted by connection issues, undermining their credibility.
“Look,” said Trump, pointing at a perfectly functioning livestream, “under me, it works.”
Tech experts warn that Trump’s understanding of the internet appears to be based largely on vibes.
“He believes Wi-Fi is stronger if you shout at it,” said one engineer. “But… somehow, it’s improving.”
Public Reaction: Cautious Optimism
Across Europe, citizens are cautiously optimistic.
“I don’t care who’s in charge,” said a student in Spain. “My Netflix works now.”
A café owner in Berlin reported customers staying longer, ordering more, and no longer threatening staff over buffering.
In Paris, locals admitted the signal was faster but complained it now felt “too American”.
Trump Declares Victory Prematurely
Within days, Trump declared the Wi-Fi crisis solved.
“Europe’s never been more connected,” he announced. “People are saying it. The routers are saying it.”
He has since turned his attention to other European issues, including:
- Renaming the EU to The United States of Europe (But Better)
- Introducing compulsory loyalty hats
- Fixing Eurovision “by making it competitive again”
How Long Will It Last?
Analysts say the arrangement is unlikely to be permanent.
“This is a temporary solution,” said one expert. “Eventually, something will crash.”
But for now, Europe enjoys uninterrupted streaming, clear video calls, and the unsettling sense that things are working for the wrong reasons.
And if there’s one thing Europeans can tolerate, it’s discomfort — especially when the Wi-Fi is finally fast enough to complain about it online.