What do you want to be liberated from?
I want to be free from caring what people think about me and free from comparing myself to others, especially my apperance that I always got insulted or put down for, when it doesn’t matter to most people. I want to be free from comparing my career trajectory to others’, too.
I want to be free from my desire to get back at the world or get revenge or justice or getting even with people and companies for unfair things that happened to me.
I want to be free from past abuse and from treating myself in an unhealthy way that I‘m used to because that was how others treated me. I want to be free from disliking myself, not valuing myself, not celebrating my accomplishments, and not having self-confidence.
Why are you trapped by this thing? How does this thing make you feel? How has it impacted your life so far?
I usually feel self-conscious and inferior to others even though I’m not shy. I usually feel ugly whenever I see myself on webcam or see people who look brighter and happier. It makes me feel like I’m a gloomy, boring, anxious, stupid person who doesn’t add value to most people I interact with because I don‘t think my appearance reflects my true self. It makes me want to get several kinds of plastic surgery, not just for my face, but also for gender dysphoria related stuff. It makes me feel like I’m always holding back my true self except for some times when I’m with my boyfriend. As though I can’t really be completely lighthearted and happy because I need to reserve some part of myself to be on guard and be responsible and prepare to get hurt.
How do you think you could be free from this?
I need to like myself.
How much do you really want to be free from this?
I’m not sure. I think if I always let things go, I would get less done. But if you don’t let things go, they will continue to bother you, like someone owing you a debt for years that makes you build up resentment. I do want to care less and react less sensitively to events that bother me.
What is a realistic and small change that you could start with?
Asking: whose standards am I using when judging myself? And are they valid and reasonable? Am I judging myself using the standards of people who treated me poorly?
Trying not to look at myself when I’m on camera, or accepting that I don’t like how I look and just trying not to criticize to myself little things that don‘t matter such as my blinking tic or how my mouth moves or my teeth or the shape of my face.
When looking at what other people are doing, ask myself what specifically I could do better, and what I do just as well, instead of thinking how I’m not as good as them in general and worrying about my performance. Related to that, when going on LinkedIn, don’t look at people’s profile history because it always just makes me feel inferior. Instead of thinking negative thoughts and acting like our careers are a competition, I can think, I hope they’re doing well. I hope we all do well so that we can help each other out in the future if we need to.
Get enough sleep. Trying to sleep by 10 PM every night regardless of how much work I have or other people’s desires or schedules because I always wake up early regardless of the time I go to sleep, so it’s not healthy to stay up late.
Set a timer to make sure I use at least 30 minutes per day to do something for myself and try to relax that has nothing to do with work or serving other people.