There’s a drive in me to end old things and start anew. Is this midlife? Perhaps.
But I’ve always felt this way, so I’m not sure if it’s a midlife or a complete life crisis. Nonetheless, one of the barricades of my pursuits is always feeling that I’m not at the right space or time; I used to feel too young, but now I feel too old.
When I felt too young to do things, I also felt easily discouraged, and not very empowered. I always felt like I could never make mistakes even when I was younger.
Now that I’m a bit older (hopefully wiser), I feel like I’m not very welcome to pursue my dreams because of my age... like it‘s such an impractical, unpretty thing to do. But I do feel like I have more grit, resourcefulness and experience to pursue new ventures. Still, I feel the pressure of being even less exempted to make mistakes because I’m at this age. I’m treading the blurry boundaries of both illusion and reality of having a lot to lose by going for my dreams at this “too old” of an age.
But what is really too old or too young? Is there such a thing?
I’m trying to come to terms with all of these things I’m feeling. As it is, there’s no slack for me either way (young or old) in starting fresh and pursuing my ambitions.
The pressure of feeling defeated is constant, it‘s just at positioned at different life periods or angles of insecurity. So given this constant, I might as well create the slack for myself...weave the path and worry not.
I should, do as I please, but do my thing well. I should work for what I want to achieve for myself because in the end, trying to make people proud of me is quite silly. I should make myself proud of me more than anyone. Then the rest follows.
I’m breaking the traumatic cycle that my parents/elders immersed me with--perhaps, they too didn‘t know any better.
What‘s clear now is: I just want to be me. For myself.